​I told you, I attended Bear School before walking the park.  I knew that I was supposed to keep at least a fifty-yard distance from all bears.  Too late to keep that rule.  I was less than that distance from this guy, without bear spray, and he was moving closer and closer.  You may not believe me, but I knew what to do under the circumstances. Get off the path.  Let me repeat, GET OFF THE PATH!  I climbed over fallen trees and vines to get a good distance away.  I wanted that bear to mildly struggle if he wanted to come in my direction.  But, I’d watched those critters for hours.  They were surprisingly graceful and quiet.  If he wanted to meet me up close and personally, in an Alaskan frontier manner, he could have done it.  I would have been toast.  But, thank goodness, an Ohio Buckeye isn’t nearly as delicious as Alaskan salmon.  And, that was what this bear had in mind as he walked towards the waterfall.

Also, in Bear School, I was told it was wise to keep sight of the bear at all times.  Well, I didn’t.  I seriously wanted to, but in order to get a safe distance away from the bear, I had to lose sight of the critter.  Eventually, he ambled down the path past me.  Yep, he stopped and looked at me before he moved along.  I took a photo, but the camera really wasn’t properly set.  I mean, when your life is mildly threatened, maintaining perfect camera technology is not a priority.

So, I had my bear moment in Alaska.  It was more than I needed and less than it could have been.  I’ll live with it.  Amanda had a much better Alaskan moment to share.

She was one of my favorite people to meet this year in Alaska.  Amanda worked as a member of the kitchen staff.  It’s an underpraised position.  She got up each morning at 4:35 to get ready for breakfast at 7:00 for the fishermen.  I don’t believe in getting up that early unless I have to go to the bathroom.

And, that brings me back to Amanda.

The kitchen crew and fishing guides live in an assortment of rustic cabins and sturdy tents on the campgrounds.  I, personally, would not enjoy a sturdy tent for several months and I'm not so sure about a rustic cabin.  Amanda lived in a cabin.  It had a heater but no electricity.  There were no sinks, no running water and no toilets.

If you are a cabin-dweller and nature happens to call you at 4:35 in the morning, your options are not the greatest. You could mosey on down to the bath house where you could find everything you need to do what you want to do. The problem is, you could find more than you need.  In those wee hours, when the area is covered with a morning fog, bears tend to roam the fishing camp.  If you are on your way to the bathroom, you don’t want a bear to show up.  That would cause anyone to go wee, wee, wee all the way home in their pants. 

Amanda is nobody’s dummy.  Her mama didn’t raise no fool.  And, she figured out a way to solve her problem that didn’t involve a long walk in the moonlight, under a starry sky, with a giant beast ready to slash her throat.  No, she went around to the backside of her cabin.  And if you need additional details, or if you want me to draw you a picture, it just isn’t going to happen.  

She went behind her cabin.

​Amanda squatted in the darkness “practicing her multiplication facts” or “pondering the wonders of the universe” when she heard a noise.  She thought it was another one of her fellow campers.  Since she didn’t want to flash them while she “recited the alphabet backwards”, she flashed the person with her flashlight. 
 
And, she saw the whites of their eyes!

Well, maybe she didn’t.  Actually, she saw a bear, face-to-face, while the bear saw a bare bottom.  Amanda did what everyone would do under those circumstances.  She screamed, “Save me!  Help!  I’m Terrified!”

Perhaps it was the light in his eyes.  Perhaps it was the shrill screaming of a terrified camper.  Fortunately, the bear was as frightened as Amanda and he dashed off into the darkness.  Amanda dashed, too, but it isn’t easy to run your fastest when you are trying to gather all your clothing about you.  So, just like in a horror movie when a person falls at the worst possible moment, Amanda tripped and fell flat on her face as she reached the front of her cabin.  The worst possible moment!  Very fortunately, no bear was present to witness the fall or slash her throat.

Under normal conditions, Amanda wouldn’t head to the kitchen until the generator was turned so there were lights.  She thought my sister was already in the kitchen that morning.  No, she was wrong.  Nearly dead wrong. The lights were on because the motion detector worked properly.  There were two bears lurking in the camp that morning.  One critter turned on the motion detector while the other strolled down the path for a personal encounter with Amanda.

Safely behind her cabin door, Amanda waited for my sister to finally arrive for breakfast preparations.  Only then would she set foot outside her cabin.  When she finally came to work, understandably a little late, she had a barely believable tale of an encounter with a bear who barely saw a bare bottom.  But (butt?), she survived and had the best bear “tail” of the season.

So far.

I’m not completely sure how far my sister’s home is from her fishing camp on the Naknek River.  It’s somewhere in the vicinity of five miles.  One person on the kitchen staff said that she has walked it in the past in about an hour and a half. I thought it might take me two hours.

I was up for it.

Actually, I was more interested in photographing some orange/red mushrooms that I’d seen on the drive.  So, I planned to mosey my way to the river camp with frequent stops to photograph mushrooms along my way.

I was prepared. 

When I go outside for long periods of time in the King Salmon area, I wear head netting over my hat.  I don’t see anyone else doing that in Alaska.  Nobody.  Not one.  It makes me special.  But, it’s a sanity measure for me.  I am an insect magnet.  Dozens - or possibly hundreds - of insects swarm my head.  Without the netting, I would go crazy.  I don’t know how other people manage time in Alaska without the netting.  But, I really am the only person I’ve seen wearing that netting on this trip.

The road out of King Salmon to the river camp is around twenty miles.  As far as I can tell, the off-shoot road where my sister lives is the only road with a stop sign at the intersection.  I’m not sure why it is there.  But, it makes it very easy to identify. 

The walk is ten minutes from the intersection to the house.

Easy.

Then, go right about four or five miles or more.  But, almost at that intersection were some of the mushrooms that I wanted to photograph.  They are beautiful orangish-red mushrooms with what is described as white warts.  Just absolutely gorgeous, and poisonous!  I had to take photos.

Now, the main road is fairly smooth and solid.  It’s easy to walk on.  The tundra, on the other hand, is neither smooth nor solid.  It’s like walking on a bed where every step sinks into the ground.  And, those mushrooms grew on that kind of soil among shrubs and trees.  It wasn’t as easy to get to the ‘shrooms as you might expect.

The things a photographer has to do to get the right shot!

My legs were not meant to walk on tundra.  They kind of bow on the soft surface and it strains the outer calf muscles.  I only roamed the tundra for a few minutes to take my photos, but I felt a serious strain in my legs.  When I got back to the road, I should have rested those weary muscles.  It hurt to walk.  This was barely after a ten-minute walk out of a suspected two-hour hike on my part. 

I probably should have turned around.

But, I would have missed my adventure if I had been so wise.

The walk wasn’t going to be a joyous nature romp unless I completely stayed on the road and away from the mushrooms on the tundra.  I saw more of those fungi.  They didn’t tempt me in the slightest.  I continued walking.  Nope, no other mushrooms lured me off the road.

My sister’s camp is almost at the end of the road from King Salmon.  There are very few vehicles on the roads.  There are absolutely no other pedestrians.  Never.  It doesn’t happen.  Not a one.  So, as I walked, I kind of had it in the back of my mind that I might have someone offer me a ride.  After all, it happened both of the other times I tried this trek.  And, I’m not such an exercise freak that I would turn down a ride.   That would never happen.

I heard a vehicle approaching.  It was a pick-up truck with a very nasty dog in the back.  It could have been a Pitbull.  I’m not really sure.  But, I am sure it was viciously barking.  I was relieved that the pick-up didn’t stop.  I didn’t want that dog to jump out of the vehicle and taste an Ohio Buckeye.
​

A few minutes later, I heard another vehicle approaching.  This time it was a van.  A man looked out the window and asked, “Are you okay?”  I said, “Yes, but if you’re offering a ride, I’ll take it.”

He offered.

I climbed into the back seat with his camera.  The camera took up more room than I did.  The lens was about two and a half feet long.  I am not sure if I’ve ever seen one so long.  Certainly not so close up!  I said, “Wow, you really have some toy!”

The guy replied, “That is no toy.  It’s my livelihood.”

Of course, that need more information.  And, he had it.  He was a professional photographer, videographer and all-around world traveler.  He lived in Alaska five months of the year and the rest of the time was based in Florida.  He’s worked for National Geographic (among other organizations) and his cameras have taken him around the world. 

I had such camera envy.

When there was a pause, I shared my one National Geographic claim to fame.  And, having your photograph in the 100th Anniversary Issue of National Geographic is a pretty awesome claim.  This guy won an Emmy for his cinematography work in nature, but he was still impressed with my claim. 

My ride with this man and his wife went all too quickly.  My last question was, “Have you had any travel disasters along the way?”  Of course.  He very quickly mentioned a plane crash, a crocodile bite and something to do with a bear.  I asked for details on one and he chose the plane crash.  It was in Alaska with one of the small planes that land on water.  Somehow, his flipped over.  It might have killed the plane, but he lived to share a good story. 

This photographer had to be familiar with the area.  I told him my destination.  He asked if it was okay to drop me off at the connecting intersection.  Obviously, he knew where I was headed and must have met my sister as some point in time.  I hopped out of the van and said, “I wish I had more time to share stories with you.”

And then, he was gone.  I never got his name.

When I arrived at my sister’s fishing camp, I learned that everyone knew his name.  Mark Emery.  Right away, my sister reached for the phone book.  One of his photos was on the cover.  And, I clearly saw, that if you have the right lens, you really can get amazing photographs of bears.

With a name, I Googled the guy.  Yep, world-famous.  Amazing photographs.  Worked all over the planet.  I even saw a photo of him with his Emmy award.  So, in a far remote corner of Alaska, I rubbed elbows with a famous celebrity.  Well, actually, my left elbow almost bumped into his humongous zoom lens.  And, I didn’t even know it until it was over.  It was an Alaskan Cheers moment “where everybody knows his name” . . . except me.

​Needless to say, I will continue looking for mushrooms for as long as I am in Alaska.  ​

Bats - Problems with bats had to be eliminated before I could (or would) come to Alaska.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go back and read my last blog.  I’m not sure what happened.  There are no pest control kinds of people working near King Salmon.  I don’t know how the problem was solved.  However, they are gone from inside the Batcave, my affectionate name for my sister’s house.  Batboy is also missing.  He flew home to be with grandparents and start the preventative treatment for rabies.  Ouch!

Upon closer inspection, it was easy to see how the bats got into their cave.  The home has a huge balcony. Everyone enjoys the side facing the lake.  The side of the balcony wrapping around to the right side of the home is narrow and rarely ever used.  But, with bats came a closer inspection of the eaves.  How did those bats get in the cave?  Well, blame it on the previous owners.  They must have loved birds.  Under the eaves, they drilled holes that were large enough for birds to come in and nest.  I don’t know if any birds ever took advantage of the situation.  But, the local bat population found and infested the Batcave.

Bats still hang out around the Batcave, just not in it, thankfully.  Some of the kitchen staff at the lodge resides with me in the Batcave.  I heard one girl say that she really didn’t like to leave the house in the mornings.  Bats tended to dive at the lights and at the humans under the lights.  I wouldn’t like it either.  But, when I get up, hours after the kitchen crew has long gone, there are no bats in sight.

These workers leave before six in the morning.  They are working when humans really should be sleeping. However, one morning, I was curious enough to get up just as the crew left the Batcave.  Lights were on around the balcony and I watched those little vampires dive left and right.  I counted the seconds between dives.  The highest count was five seconds apart.  Usually, they were two seconds apart or less.  I have no plans to ever leave the Batcave that early.  But, if I do, I will have a netting or towel wrapped around my head.  I have no desire to meet Count Dracula at any time – morning, noon, night and especially before dawn.

Gnats – I am a bug magnet.  I’ve been one ever since I knew it was a possibility.  I heard someplace while I was in Africa that certain blood types attracted malaria mosquitoes more than others.  My blood type is the universal donor, and those bloodsuckers universally enjoyed it.  I had malaria five times.  I think I can rest my case about being a bug magnet.  Do you know anyone else who has had malaria five times?

My magnetic personality has followed me to Alaska.  This place is infested with bugs the likes of which I’ve never seen anywhere.  I don’t know how fishermen enjoy the experience.  I don’t know how fishing guides do their jobs. It could be because all the bugs seem to be attracted to me and leave the rest of the population alone.  The bugs swarm all over me.  I’m the lucky one.  I’m special.  I’m bug bait.

I want to walk most days while in Alaska.  But, it isn’t all that enjoyable with a cloud of insects swarming about my face.  If I want to walk for an hour in the tundra, I have to do something that I absolutely refused to do the last time in Alaska.  I got a netting to go over my head and hat.  I guess it was a little bit of pride that kept me from doing that in the past.  I didn’t want to look so much like a tourist.  But, sometimes, you just have to throw away your pride in order to survive.  I did just that.  And, now I can walk freely.  Yes, the bugs still swarm about me.  Yes, there are mosquitoes, but they don’t get through the netting or long sleeves.  There are also bugs called no-see-ums.  They see me and I see them.  But, none of them get through the net.  There are probably other bugs as well like gnats, flies, fleas and other flying scoundrels that I hate.  But, they aren’t getting through the netting.  So, life is relatively bug-free.

Bears – My sister said that if I’m going to walk in the tundra, even on the main road (the only road), I need to take bear spray with me.  After all, I walk next to a tundra landscape where I saw a mama bear and two cubs barrel across one morning.  Bear spray is probably a wise move.  And, I’m told that it is safer than a gun.  A wounded bear could still knock the snot out of any annoying human to cross his path.  Bear spray is more effective. Temporarily blinded bears don’t knock the snot out of nothing.

My sister said that they once had an old can of bear spray.  It remained in one of their cabins over the winter and froze.  How cold does it have to be outside for things in your home to freeze?  No, the cabin has no heating during the winter.  But, it still sounds ridiculously cold during a tundra winter.

I have a fear about bear spray.  Yes, I have a bigger fear of the bears, but I also fear the spray.  I’m sure if I used it, I would spray that mist into the wind and have it all blow back on me.  That’s exactly what happened to my brother-in-law and his son when they tested that formerly frozen can of bear spray.  It worked.  But, the wind worked even better.  There was a stampede into the kitchen sink to find running water.  They were in agony, but I still kind of wish my sister had pulled out her phone to make a video.  The nephew gets married this fall and that video would have been priceless entertainment.  Even if he never got married, I’d still like to see that video.

Of course, I want to see bears while here in Alaska.  Lots of bears.  But there is the simple truth that nobody needs to see a bear up close and personal.  However, if you stay in Alaska long enough, it seems that many people have bear stories to tell.  I thoroughly enjoy my time in Alaska, but I don’t want to stay here long enough to have a personal bear encounter.

There has already been a really good bear story for this season at my sister’s camp.  They have a new building.  It’s actually an old, recycled, free building donated from one of the parks.  It needs renovation inside and out.  There is an attached porch/mudroom that does not yet have a door.  It’s more like an open porch.  In the one room that is sort of finished, my sister’s brother-in-law is staying. 

Electricity is limited to an extension cord running from the kitchen and into the building.  The mudroom doesn’t have any lights.  At one point in time, a huge blue barrel was in the porch, used for trash.  I’m thinking alcohol was involved in what happened next, but that part of the story was never confirmed.  One night the brother-in-law was on his way home.  When he entered the mudroom, there was a bear sorting through the trash.  The brother-in-law was between the bear and the exit, not a good place to ever find yourself.  Some bears might stand their ground and the results could be ghastly.  This bear just swatted the pesky human into the wall and made a quick exit out of the room.  The brother-in-law was bruised and banged up for a couple of days.  He also wins the award for best bear story of the season.  If there is a bear story to top this one, I don’t want to be involved.  And, in case you are wondering, the blue barrel is no longer in that porch area.
​
Hmmm . . . I don’t want to be near bats or gnats or bears.  Am I being too picky?

Last month, I had one of those unexpected emails that can change your life or, at least, alter your immediate future.  My sister sent me a message and asked, "Do you want to come to Alaska?"  I don't have to be asked questions like that twice.  Of course, I wanted to go.  My sister and her husband cater to the world's richest fishermen.  They have two fishing lodges in Alaska.  If you've ever seen photos in Alaska where bears hunt for salmon in the river, that's right by where they live.  It's kind of amazing.

I couldn't just drop everything to leave the next day.  There are always things that need to be done if you leave your home for a while.  But, that invitation was two weeks ago.  I have accomplished what I needed to get done.  I'm ready for the tundra and some bear sightings.  Lots of bear sightings!  I wrote to my sister and said it was time to pick a convenient date.

My sister has not had a convenient week.

Normally, when my sister needs to go to the dentist, she heads for Cancun.  Yep, her trip to the dentist involves a Caribbean experience.  She stays in an incredibly wonderful hotel on the main tourist strip of Cancun, right on the beach, where her dentist is located.  (I went to the same dentist once.  It's clean, modern, cheaper than in America, and I got to paint a mural.  It was my kind of travel.) 

However, my sister had an emergency and she was in Alaska.  If you check your map, that's not so close to Cancun, and it was a dental crisis.  There was no time for a Caribbean vacation.  No tooth fairy showed up to whisk her off to Cancun.  There was no time for that anyway.  She was in a teeth grinding, grit your teeth, gnashing of teeth situation with intense pain.  Delay her treatment and she might kick you in the teeth. 

Normally, she would have to fly to Anchorage for any specialist.  Dentists in King Salmon, the closest town to where she lives, are as rare as hen's teeth.  Usually, searching for them with a fine toothed comb does no good.  But, miraculously, there was a dentist in town when she needed it most.  And, he saw her on a Sunday!

These days, dentists have signs that say things like "painless dentistry" and you might hear someone say, "This isn't going to hurt a bit."  That would be lying through your teeth on this particular day.  The dentist wanted my sister to open her mouth, bare her teeth, and say "ahhhh".  He knew right away that her sweet tooth needed a root canal.  He was armed to the teeth with all the tools he needed to fix the problem.

Well, that was how it was supposed to work.

He sunk his teeth into the project, but perhaps he bit off more than he could chew.  There was drilling, filling, grinding and a whole lot more work involved in this task.  None of it is fun.  The dentist managed to accomplish the root canal part, but there was still some drilling work that needed to be done.  That was when the drill bit broke off in the tooth.  The guy fought tooth and nail (or in this case drill bit) to get that metal out of her mouth.  It was like pulling teeth to do it.  And, in fact, that's kind of what happened.  The tooth collapsed and had to be removed. 

I'm not sure, she might have considered an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth after all of this.  But, I've not heard any news reports about Alaskan dentists with missing teeth.  For the moment, my sister has no thoughts about false teeth, but she does have a gaping hole in the back of her mouth and a prescription for a lot of extra strength Advil. 

You would think this is enough reason to delay my trip, but you would be wrong.

My sister and her husband don't live at either of their lodges.  They have a house that is located in between their lodges.  It's set on an idyllic lake.  But, things happen when a house is left empty for half of a year.  In this case, bat things happened.  That was not a typo.  Their home has turned into a bat cave, and not the cool kind with Robin and a very amazing car.  It seems that a whole houseful of bats has taken up residence in the attic, attached garage, back porch and sometimes in the living quarters!  No bat guano! 

A simple trip to the garage could drive you crazy, or at least put a few bats in your belfry.  My sister opened the back door and saw a dozen pairs of bat wings flying in her face.  Were they tube-nosed bats, fruit-eating bats, Mexican free-tail bats or western big-eared bats?  Who cares?  They were bats!  Faster than you can bat your eyelids, she went to the other side of the garage and opened the larger door for cars.  The bats flew away and she entered into this section of the bat cave for whatever reason brought her there. 

These bats apparently are a protected species in Alaska.  As far as I'm concerned, all bets are off when the bats are in your home, belfry or bat cave.  Bat life expectancy drops significantly under such circumstances.  I don't care if they are long-eared bats, hog-nosed bats, or mouse-eared bats.  If they are in my house, they are all vampire bats.  I will not go to bat for them.  No, I'll go for a baseball bat at them.  And, it would be a good time to bat one thousand, not that I want one thousand bats anywhere close to me.

My sister has a full house now - with people as well as bats.  Her son said he found a bat in his bedroom.  Did it drive him batty?  I'm not sure.  Maybe he didn't bat an eye?  I would have.  And, the only way that dastardly bat could have entered his room was by crawling under the space at the bottom of his door.  Who knew bats did that?

At least one guest currently sleeps in the main room of the house, which was my bedroom last year.  Right off the bat, you know it is not the best place to stay.  But, it's worse when bats are involved.  Batboy was sound asleep in the middle of the night.  Something tickled his face, and he woke up with a bat on his face.  No bull bat!  Of course, he screamed like a bat out of hell.  Wouldn't you?

I learned one more thing about these critters.  It doesn't matter if you are blind as a bat or have 20/20 vision.  Bat teeth are so small that you can't see bat bites.  Those little suckers like to bite eyes, noses and mouths, so what do you think that jackass bat was doing on Batboy's face?  He's facing rabies shots now.  You can't take chances when a vampire bites you, and since he isn't sure about anything, it looks like he has to have the treatment.

So, to make a long story finally come to an end.  I'm not sure when I'm going to Alaska.  They have to get rid of their bats first.  If you know me, you know I love to travel off the beaten paths of this world, but I draw the line at vampires, bats on my face, and unwanted rabies shots.

___
No Real Species of Bats were harmed in the writing of this blog.  I still can't say they would be safe if they were found in my house.